


Cookie Jar

by kvhottieOldFics (kvhottie)



Category: Prince of Tennis (TV), Tennis no Oujisama | Prince of Tennis
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-01
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2018-01-17 18:54:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 17,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1398790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kvhottie/pseuds/kvhottieOldFics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fuji POV. Fuji is a college freshman who despite of his happy, nice guy facade, has quite the sarcastic mind. A collection of moments from his college life and his endearing romance with Tezuka.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction

_I swear. If there was one thing that could bring the world together in solidarity it would probably be a hate for icebreakers. I don't think I have ever met a person who actually enjoys them. So, why the heck does every single social event, orientation, camp, and things of the like start with a round of icebreakers? Even the name of the activity sounds stupid._

"Shuusuke Fuji. New York City. My underwear color is navy blue."

Well, don't get me wrong. Even though everyone hates it, we still do it. And I'm not the type of person to actually show my dislike for these activities, much less outwardly complain. I keep all my sinister thoughts and comments inside my pretty little head, behind a perfected façade of amiableness. And it has come in handy, being labeled "the nice guy" and such. No one has ever really messed with me since anyone who messes with the nice guy is labeled an asshole. As the nice guy, no one really pries into my business. They get as far as that first layer of niceness and they are satisfied. It's as if they assume the rest of my personality is composed of a dying desire to rescue stay dogs off the street.

"I am thinking of majoring in art, I collect cacti, and I have a pet iguana."

The room collectively roars, "You don't collect cacti!"

I grin, "Wrong, I don't have a pet iguana."

And that was that. They moved on to the next victim. It was easy keeping my façade up with my suitemates. They were still hyped up on the newness of college and on that peculiar, orientation-bred desire to be friendly. I wasn't really affected by whatever pheromones these guys were bouncing off each other. Since I went to boarding school, this whole thing seemed old to me. I wasn't sick of it; I just wasn't as excited as them. But as usual, I did not show my true emotions and gleefully joined their conversation.

Soon after our gathering disperses, I feel someone tap my shoulder. It was the loud little red head that reminded me of a cat. Judging by the way this kid jitters around I would not be surprised if he had ADD. And not only was he bouncy, he was clingy. Truthfully, I was completely fine with it. I had an older sister who never failed to assault my personal space. Dealing with clingy people was almost a forte.

"Hey! I'm Eiji."

I laugh, "Yeah, I know. We just introduced ourselves."

He scrunches his nose, "Yeah…but I'm horrible with names. Remind me of yours?"

_And this is why icebreakers are completely useless._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back from a two-year writer's block/college busyness hiatus! Well, I shouldn't necessarily say "back" since I am still as busy as ever and can't update frequently. But I am trying to get back into writing and this drabble project is my attempt. I am trying a new tone of voice and a more modern take with this fic. The characters will be a bit OOC since I am transporting them to a modern American environment but also because I've added more twists to their personalities. But well, I'll stop my yapping. I hope you guys enjoy the ride and please comment.


	2. Love

Love is a beautiful thing. Well, I have never experienced it and am not sure if I ever will, but I admire its pure beauty. It is passionate and painful, destroying and rebuilding instantaneously. And from what I have seen, it doesn't last too long. Sure, I enjoy all that bullshit Disney and movies feed us about everlasting love but I don't actually believe it. And all of that comes from a respect of seeing what true love looks like. It looks like my parents, who were once young and ravenous but are now complacent, gentle, and resemble business partners more than they do lovers. True love happens when you decide to give up aspirations for an endless, fiery Hollywood love. When you truly look at what you have and embrace it in that peach colored shawl of companionship. It's freaking gorgeous. I've seen it play out in front of me for the last 18 years of my life and I couldn't be more grateful.

And how does any of this have to do with why I was staring at the bespectacled man a few seats away from me? Well, many things.

  1. After many years of observing true love, deep inside me lies a strong desire to experience it.
  2. He is very damn attractive.
  3. This guy seriously looks like he needs some loving.



Kunimitsu is the serious type: stoic, seemingly emotionless, and emitting a chill that runs as deep as the iceberg that sunk the titanic. You know those types, right? He truly is the "stick up their ass" or more politely, "woke up on the wrong side of bed" type of guy. And that is something I am starting to find oddly attractive. I think I like the challenge. But its not like I have ever aimed after cold men. Though I have been aware of my attraction to men, I have never dated any. I've mostly only gone out with older, elegant girls. Maybe college is bringing out new sides of me?

But yeah, he is as Eiji might put it, "a fine piece of work". He has soft, slightly tousled light brown hair that frays out right above his ears. His sharp brown eyes are always hidden behind dorky round silver glasses. He is taller and as a result of being a tennis player, more built than me. Yeah, I know I know. But I am definitely on the receiving end so those qualities were important to me. The only issue here is that he is as straight as a plank. But hey, planks bend under pressure.

"Do you want to pair up for the facilitation?" I give him my most innocent smile; no one could resist it.

He looks up from the books he is putting away and takes his time trying to analyze me. He gives my appearance a run through and after deeming me harmless he responds, "I'd rather work alone."

I place a few strands of hair behind my ear, "And do all the talking by yourself? Considering how little you participate, you sure don't seem like you'll enjoy that very much."

He lets out a sigh, "Yeah, I won't. But if I am going to end up doing all the work, I rather not pair up with anyone."

"Hey, how rude. I promise I'll do my share of the work."

He slings his bag on his shoulder, "Why do you even want to work with me, anyway?"

I shrug, "No reason, you just seem like a better option than our other classmates. And unlike you, I'd rather pair up with someone."  _And you are hella attractive._

He nods, still a bit reluctant, "Sure then. I'm Kunimitsu, by the way."

"I know. Unlike most people in the school, I can actually remember names from icebreakers. I'm Shuusuke."

He adjusts his glasses, "I know. I guess that makes two of us."

I can't help but laugh at that. This isn't going to be as impossible as I expected.

 


	3. Light

I consider myself quite lucky. Not only had I gotten Kunimitsu to be my facilitation partner, we also exchanged cellphone numbers and are currently working on said project. The class we have together is an English literature theory class that focuses on identifying things like the sublime and wonder in Shakespeare. Kunimitsu and I agreed on _A Winter’s Tale_ and that I would do sixty percent of the talking and forty percent of the research while he does the inverse.

“So, why are you in this class? It’s pretty high level to just be a divisional requirement.”

Kunimitsu looks up from his computer screen, “Do I not look the type?”

I tilt my head to the side, putting my hands up to make the cliché finger frames, “Hmm. You do look bookish but I would guess a hardcover textbook, not Shakespeare.”

That earns me a microscopic grin, but a grin nonetheless, “I tend to really enjoy the classics.”

I flash him a warm smile, “How surprising. We have more in common than I thought.”

He adjusts his glasses “Shuusuke, you are getting distracted. Focus on your work.”

“I am, I am. But I can’t help wanting to talk to you”, I reply honestly.

He clears his throat, a habit of his, “Yeah, I understand. Your talkative nature is a bit contagious. But we should get our work done first.”

My cheeks warm up and I look down at my screen to hide them. That means he won’t mind talking after we finish our project. Kunimitsu doesn’t know how flustered his honesty makes me at times. He doesn’t understand that one tiny comment, which I was probably taking too seriously, makes me extremely happy. At first I thought he was going to be completely silent but his polite nature pushes him to respond to my questions and comments. And although he is still very serious and cold, there are slivers of humor and warmness in his personality. It just takes some time for him to show them to you. No matter how much Kunimitsu makes people feel like they are standing in the middle of the artic, whenever I am around him, I feel strangely light. As if something has been lifted off my shoulders. I am not sure why but around him my smiles are truly genuine, very far from the façade I usually put on for everyone else.

 

“I’m done with my part” Kunimitsu states, pinching the bridge of his nose.

I stretch my arms above my head and look over the slides I made on Google Drive’s presentation maker. “Yeah, same. Let’s look over each other’s slides.”

“Hn.” And after a few minutes he glances up at me, “You did a good job.”

I let out an airy laugh and shake my head, “You don’t have to look so surprised, you know.”

His eyebrows furrow, “Oh, I apologize. I’m just not used to having a competent partner.”

 “Well, I’m happy to be the first. You should do that more often, by the way.”

“Do what more often?”

I grin, “Show emotion, Mr. Iceberg.”

“I’m not very fond of that nickname, Shuusuke. And I do show emotion; they just don't show on my face as clearly as they do on other people. “

“Is that so” I say in a sarcastic manner.

He stares at me, scanning my face, “It’s not like you are much better.”

I meet his beautiful, sharp brown eyes, “What do you mean?”

“This façade of yours is just as bad as my poker face.” His eyes don't budge, they feel like they’re piercing through me, “You always put on a happy demeanor and push yourself to smile for everyone.”

I sigh, “Am I that easy to read?”

“No, you aren’t. But I have a knack for reading people.”

 _Oh man, this kid doesn’t even know the half of it._ “Really, you do? Then you should be able to tell that there is one person I don’t force myself to smile around.”

He ponders for a bit, “I don’t really know you that well Shuusuke, so it’d be hard for me to know that.”

“Not if the person is yourself, Sherlock.” _Knack for reading people, my butt._

“Oh.” His face is deadpan for a few seconds but then his lips form into another of those microscopic grins, “Thank you. I also find spending time with you pleasant.” 

I give him an uneasy smile, realizing that I am not prepared for how serious these feelings are becoming. I am falling; sinking so deeply that I swear I can see where the Titanic ended up. From this moment on I know it’s only going to get worse. This feeling in my chest, the lump in my throat, and the dire need to filter myself before I spill out all my thoughts are only going to grow. They’ll nip at me until they almost consume me. Who knew that the person who makes me feel so light could also make me feel like the earth is trying to pull me under.


	4. Dark

“When do you think we’ll get our grade for the facilitation?”

Kunimitsu takes a sip of water; “We only did it last week so I am guessing we will hear back in another week or two.”

I sink my spoon into my chocolate cake, “That sounds about right. I think we did a good job so I’m hoping for at least a B+”.

“Yes. So am I.”

It has been almost a month since Kunimitsu and I first started talking. Although I was already in love with the guy from the get-go, he only started truly warming up to me after a few of our facilitation planning sessions. We often have dinner together like this, and recently he is the one to text me first. Overall, it’s been an extremely fun month. I love Kunimitsu’s company; he’s intelligent, good at keeping a conversation going, and wonderful to look at. He always sits completely straight up, his broad back and lean body calling for my attention. I catch myself ogling at him more than I would like, cursing in my head every time I end up staring at his lips while he talks instead of meeting his eyes. Yet, at the same time, I’ve had a few miserable moments. Although my nice guy façade is always down when I am around Kunimitsu, I’ve had to develop a mask to hide my true feelings from him. And there are moments when I notice Kunimitsu’s sharp eyes trying to scrutinize me. His lips part slightly as if they are about to tell me that he knows of my forced behavior, but not a word slips out.

 

I watch as Kunimitsu eats his cheesecake and decide to push my luck, “Hey, Kunimitsu?”

He swallows and my eyes trace the path from his thin lips, to his neck, past his well-defined collarbones, “Yes?”

_I really need to control myself._ I give him a close-eyed grin, “Can I get a bite of your cheesecake?” _It isn’t weird, right? Guy friends share food all the time, right?_

He seems to have a short inner dialogue, asking himself whether he was comfortable with engaging in something so human like. “Sure”, he pushes the small plate closer to me. “Go ahead.”

My eyes widen a bit and I chuckle, “Wow. I’m genuinely surprised.”

“I’m not an alien, Shuusuke. It shouldn’t be that surprising.”

I scoop some of the cheesecake while my mind overheats over the fact that this is an indirect kiss, “I’m sorry. I just thought you might be a germaphobe.”

He shakes his head, “Not really. I don't mind sharing things with my friends.”

I almost wince. Although the comment makes me happy, it also feels like a dagger to the gut. _Just friends, huh_. I beam at him, trying to disguise the pain, “You’ll make me blush if you are so honest, Kunimitsu. You consider me your friend?”

He places his spoon on top of his plate, “Well, aren’t you? We wouldn’t be having dinner like this if you weren’t.”

“True.” I tuck a few strands of hair behind my ear as I focus on not sounding completely flat, “I also see you as a friend…a very dear friend.”

He gives me a small nod, “The feeling is mutual.”

Just as I am going to reply with a sarcastic comment to further push the dagger of bitterness into my stomach, a tall, brunette girl taps Kunimitsu on the shoulder. She is quite pretty, her eyes resembling emeralds, and from the content of their conversation, she seems to be in Kunimitsu’s psychology class. As I observe their interactions, the grip on my spoon becomes stronger and I can feel myself glowering.  I look down at the table to avoid burning a hole into her seemingly flawless, tan skin. I already hated her. The time it takes for me to despise the girls Kunimitsu talks to shortens with every one. I know. I am being irrational and pathetic. I have no right to be possessive of him since he is nothing of mine. But I can’t help it. With every passing moment my feelings become more tainted and corrosive. I am trying to keep a lid on a heart that is brimming with lust, jealousy, and pain but it’s proving to be impossible. Yet, the more defeated I feel, the harder I try because I don’t want to lose him.

“Shuusuke? Are you okay?”

My eyes lock with soft, worried ones, “Yeah. I’m fine.” _I’m not. Not in the least._

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hope you are all enjoying this so far. Things are going to amp up quite a bit after this chapter! Please leave comments and show your love <3


	5. Seeking Solace

I am sexually frustrated, emotionally distraught, and bitter. What do college kids do when they are feeling this way? They get drunk, party, and get laid. I know, pretty unhealthy. But I am not in the mood to question how stupid and reckless I am being. Plus, it is the first big party of the year. My suite, Suite A of freshman dormitory Johnson Hall, is throwing a joint party with Suite B and Suite C.  It is known as the infamous ABC party, where many bad decisions are made but generally a good time is had. The freshman class was bustling with excitement for tonight’s bash. Eiji and I helped with Suite A’s portion of the organizing, though we were only in charge of snacks since we didn’t have fakes to help with the alcohol. Although I doubt he will even show his face, Kunimitsu, who lives in Suite C, also helped out by providing cups and utensils.

 

“Are you ready yet?” Eiji whines.

I finish combing my hair, “It only started five minutes ago. Chill out. I’ll be done in a minute.” I had decided to go with white low V-neck, black skinny jeans, and grey converse. I put on a long silver necklace and Eiji gets closer to observe.

“You really are going all out for this.”

I shrug, “Well, yeah. I’m looking to impress.”

He gives me a mischievous smile, “Are you planning to bring someone home with you?”

 _Oh, right. I don't think he knows._ I return the knowing grin, “No. I’m planning on someone taking me home with them.”

His eyes widen like a kid’s in the Hershey’s store, “Wait. Shuu…are you gay?”

I stuff my keys and my phone in my pocket, “I’ve liked both girls and guys so I’d say I’m probably bisexual. But I’ve been leaning towards guys recently.”

Eiji hangs his arm around my neck, “Welcome to the dark side.”

“Wait, really?”

He laughs loudly, his short, red hair brushing my cheek, “I guess birds of a feather flock together. But I never have and never will do girls. Not my thing.”

I ruffle his hair. It’s reassuring to know I have someone who understands my issues and will listen to my rants. “We should get going before all the good guys are taken.”

He pulls me by the wrist, pumping his fist in the air, “Lets go!”

 

 Eiji and I head down to the main common room in Johnson Hall basement. We hear the mainstream pop music even before we open the door. Eiji barges in, excitedly commenting on how good everything turned out. A few people look our way but then continue to chat amongst themselves. I spot the beverage table and drag Eiji towards it; I wont to be able to do this sober. I can’t let my thoughts of Kunimitsu or inevitable guilt get in the way. I need to get drunk. Although I’m not a tank, I’m also not a lightweight so I need to start now. I pour Eiji and myself a shot of Smirnoff and pass one of the red solo cups to him.

“First, a shot to our friendship. Then, we can divide and conquer.”

Eiji nods, “3…2..1..shots!”

I gulp the vodka, scrunching my face at the burning sensation and horrible taste. I swear this stuff is rubbing alcohol; all they do is relabel it. I chuckle when I see Eiji’s reaction, “It’s horrible isn’t it?” I take his cup and pour him some punch. “There is a lot of alcohol in this even if it just tastes like juice, so be careful of how much you drink. Unless you are planning on getting drunk like I am.”

“Thanks Shuu. I just saw a guy I sit next to in history class so I’m going to go talk to him. Good luck! Tell me all about your night tomorrow.” He blows me a kiss and scurries off to a guy with a black buzz cut.

I pour myself a cup and turn around to survey the room. I don’t really believe in gaydar, but at times I can tell if a guy could be into me. It’s less of an instinct and more of a reading of body language. After all, I’ve made out with men that were not necessarily into men, just flexible when it came to me. My eyes focus on a tall guy with duo-toned hair leaning on the wall diagonal from me. He is in the class I share with Kunimitsu. Judging by the look in his eyes during our previous chats, he might have potential. _What is his name again…Kojirou, right?_ I chug the rest of my drink and pour myself another before I approach him.

“Unhappy that I am, I cannot heave my heart into my mouth…”

He turns to me, a dashing smile on his face, “…I love your majesty according to my bond; no more nor less.” He chuckles, “That is by far the best pick up line I could possibly get, Shuusuke.”

 _Yup, I got this in the bag._ I wink at him, “You know how much I like my Shakespeare. And I heard you say that _King Lear_ is your favorite book.”

His cheeks redden a bit. Sure, he was no Kunimitsu, but he was a cutie. “And you remembered that?”

I lean closer; I am definitely past buzzed at this point “Of course. Kojirou.”

He is obviously flustered but he welcomes my advances with a warm smile, “What about you?”

I take another gulp of my drink, “I don't really have a favorite book but I love _The Little Prince_.”

“Hmm…’no one was ever able to find the treasure, perhaps no one even searched,’ right?” He arches an eyebrow, showing that gorgeous smile again, “Will I be able to find the treasure?”

 _Not only cute but also surprisingly suave_. I touch his arm lightly, “Well, that’s up to you. You want to get out of here?”

He runs his hand through his hair, “Yeah.”

I grab his wrist to lead him out of the common room but the moment I get off the wall and try to walk, I get a bit too dizzy for my liking. He catches me by the waist before I fall but my cup spills all over the floor. And it draws a lot of attention, especially from someone who wasn’t even supposed to show his face at the party.

“Oh, fucking dandy” I whisper under my breath as I see Kunimitsu walking towards us.

“Shuusuke, are you okay?” What is pissing me off the most is that he looks truly concerned, typical of a good friend.

“I’m fine,” I say curtly and take Kojirou’s hand, “We were just heading out.”

His eyes narrow and he places a hand on my shoulder, “I don’t think you should do that in this condition.”

He is the last person I want to see right now. I have no control over my emotions, much less my mouth. “You are not my damn father, Kunimitsu,” I hiss. The acidity in my voice shocks me.

“But I am your friend and I don't want you to do something you’ll regret tomorrow.”

I scoff, “Oh, that’s just rich.”

Kojirou slides his hand out of mine, “Shuusuke, you are pretty drunk right now. You should go home. ”

“I’ll take him, “ Kunimitsu grabs my elbow.

“No”, I yell.

His voice has an edge to it, “You are making a scene. Please, lets just go.”

Kunimitsu’s face looks really strained and Kojirou looks a bit embarrassed. They are right; I need to get out of here. I shouldn’t be taking out my anger in public like this. I sigh, “Fine.” I turn to Kojirou and give him a kiss on the cheek, “I’m sorry. I’ll see you around.”

He touches his cheek and smirks, “Sure. See you.”

I meet Kunimitsu’s eyes, too drunk to decipher them “Let’s go.”

He nods and grabs my wrist, slowly leading me up to my room. My fumbling makes him lose his patience and he reaches inside my pocket for my room keys, opening the door carefully. He sits me down on my bed and takes a cup from my shelf, filling it with water from my fridge. He has already been in my room a few times so he has gotten used to the layout. He goes into my medicine drawer and gets me aspirin, handing me the water and the medicine.

“Drink it.” I can feel his glare burrowing into my skin.

“Hn.” I take the aspirin and drink all the water, avoiding his eyes at all cost.

“Shuusuke…”

I hate his tone; it claws at my heart to expose my guilt. “What?”

“You are avoiding my eyes. I’m not judging you, you know. I am just concerned.”

“And that is exactly what I find so funny”, my voice cracks.

He places a gentle hand under my chin and makes me face him, “Is it really that weird that I care for a friend?”

“Friend. Fucking friend. That stupid word”, I look away, hot tears roll down my cheeks. “I’m just so tired of this. I feel lousy and pathetic.”

He kneels down in front of me, his voice dripping with sympathy, “Shuusuke. What is wrong? Why are you crying?”

I hide my face in my hands, even in this state I am not willing to tell him. “Everything is wrong. Unrequited love sucks.”

“Oh.” He gives me a hug, patting my back gently. “It will be okay. I’m sure things will work out for you eventually.”

I let my tears seep into his shoulder since this is the closest we will probably ever get. _He just doesn’t get it._ The possibility of me liking him is so outside of his reality that he doesn’t even register obvious hints. I continue crying late into the night and Kunimitsu continues spewing useless, empty promises. Finally, I pass out.

 


	6. Break Away

The moment I open my eyes my hands shoot down to cradle my stomach and I promise some distant god to never drink like that again in exchange for him getting rid of the nuclear waste burning a hole through me.  “Ugh…lord have mercy.” I hear a short exhale through the nose that resembles something close to a laugh but I am not sure since my migraine is playing a drum solo in my head. I slowly turn towards the sound, lying on my side as my eyes adjust to the beaming rays of sun. _What time is it?_

“Good Morning.”

I push messy hair strands away from my face, “Kunimitsu?” He is sitting on my desk chair, close to my bed, with a book in his hands.

He leans closer, “How are you feeling?”

I wince, forcing a smile, “Just peachy.”

“Considering how much you drank yesterday, you should be grateful you didn’t vomit.”

No mercy from him, as expected. “Yeah… What are you doing here?”

He stands up and fills a cup of water, handing it to me, “Taking care of you.”

I struggle to sit up but finally manage to sit far up enough so that the water doesn’t spill all over me, “I’m sorry to be such a bother. I know I was a total jerk yesterday.” I remember everything that happened the night before and having to see Kunimitsu’s face the moment I wake up is not making things any easier. I love this side to him but I am about ready to rip both my heart and my stomach out of my body.

“It’s fine,” he assures me in a gentle, baritone voice. He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose, “You are dealing with things that I don’t quite understand and although seeing how you acted yesterday surprised me, I know that it was the alcohol that made you act that way.”

I bite the rim of the cup and stare at my lap, “…Yeah.” The funny thing is that I meant everything I said while intoxicated; the alcohol just loosened my mouth. Doesn’t the saying go ”the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children”? Although I hardly think that the statement is universal, I find a lot of truth in it. But in this situation I accept that it is better for Kunimitsu to think that the alcohol controlled me. Except for one thing. “The alcohol didn’t push me to flirt with Kojirou. That was all me.” Like an idiot, I want him to be aware of my sexual preferences, to acknowledge my sexuality.

“Oh.” Kunimitsu scratches the back of his neck, “Okay.”

I give him the empty cup, “How anticlimactic.”

“I don’t really know how to respond to that. I figured that alcohol wouldn’t affect your sexuality so yesterday I took the hint…”

_If only you’d take more freaking hints, you dunce._ “It doesn’t bother you?”

He shakes his head, “Not at all. I think people should like whoever they like.”

I smile shyly, “That’s good.”

I feel a rough yet warm hand on my cheek, a thumb gently gliding over my cheekbone.  The shock almost makes me spit out my heart so I bite my bottom lip to prevent that. “Shuusuke, your eyes are still extremely red. Do you want me to get you an icepack to put over them?”

I nod, I had forgotten how much I’d cried yesterday, “Yes, momma.”

He rolls his eyes, “Hilarious. While I’m at it, do you want anything to eat?”

I scrunch my face, “Ugh. I’m hungry, I think, but I doubt my stomach can hold anything right now.”

“How about saltine crackers?”

“Hm. That sounds okay. Bring me some.”

He opens the door, “Okay. I’ll get the ice pack and the crackers from my room. I’ll be right back” and shuts it behind him.

I lie down and close my eyes, resting the back of my right hand on my forehead. I need to decide on what I am going to do next. Do I keep pushing my feelings deep inside me, forcing smiles and jokes to hide them? Or do I confess my feelings, get completely rejected, and lose the friendship I have with Kunimitsu. I hit my mattress with my other hand; I know the first options sounds like the better one but can I really call this a friendship at this point? I hide a lot of things from him and I often ignore him in order to avoid awkward situations. This is barely a friendship on my part. I am just taking advantage of his kindness because I want to be as close to him as I possibly can. It is extremely selfish. I know what I need to do. I just need to confess, get crushed, and distance myself from him. As I’ve learned in the past, this is the only way I can start getting over him. Maybe after some time, hopefully only a month or so, we can be friends again.

There is a tiny knock, “It’s Kunimitsu.”

I sit up again, “Enter.”

“Do you want to eat or ice your eyes first?”

I glance at the box of saltine crackers in his hand, “Food” and childishly grab at the air for them.

He passes the box to me and also hands me another cup of water, “It’s good that it is Saturday. You still have tomorrow to do your work.”

I nibble on a cracker and after being pleased by its taste, I take bigger bites. “ I always procrastinate until Sunday, anyway. Nothing new.”

He sits down again, “That’s not good, Shuusuke. You should space out your work and start on Friday so you aren’t crammed for time on Sunday.”

“Says the perfect honor student, Kunimitsu Tezuka” I joke. I place the cup and the box of saltines on my nightstand and bring my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. “I am surprised this honor student actually came to the party yesterday.”

“We were hosting it so I thought it would be rude if I didn’t show up.” He plays with the cover of his book, smoothing the edges that had inevitably bent, “And I wanted to experience a college party. As much as I prioritize work, I also think college is about having fun in moderation.”

I chuckle and rest my cheek on my knees, my eyes outlining his gorgeous face. “Has anyone told you how ridiculously perfect you are? It’s a bit scary, Kunimitsu.”

His brown eyes lock on to mine, “I’m very far from perfect. Trust me.”

“It’s hard to trust you on that when I only see perfection in front of me. Unlike you, I don't have the power to see past this uptight façade you have.”

He looks down at his black digital watch and starts to play with it, “…You will eventually. It takes time for me to bring down my walls and let people inside. I’ve been like this for a very long time.”

“I hope that is true, even after all this.”

“What?”

I take a deep breath and let the words slip out as I exhale, “I like you, Kunimitsu; romantically and sexually.” I am trembling, barely able to say the line without my voice jumping an octave. I observe his face careful so I can burn the sight into my breaking heart and use it as fuel later on. His eyes widen and one eyebrow arches right when his mouth slightly opens. As expected, his reactions are never extreme. After a few seconds he closes his mouth and furrows his eyebrows, his hands squeezing his thighs as he contemplates his answer. I continue to stare at him, trying to blink away the tears that are ready to spill out.

His soft eyes cautiously meet mine again, “I really appreciate your feelings, Shuusuke. I really do. But at this moment, I can only see you as a friend. I’m sorry.”

I give him a closed eyed smile, tears staining my cheeks, “No, It’s okay! I knew what your answer was going to be. I just needed to get it out of my system.” I wipe my eyes with the back of my hands, “But I need time away from you. I can’t be a proper friend to you while I’m dragging these feelings around.”

“So, we shouldn’t talk?”

“Just for a while…until I think I’m ready to face you again.” My voice is shaky and quiet, “I’m sorry to be so selfish but being around you right now is painful.”

He sighs, his voice sounding defeated “Should I leave then?”

I nod, “Please.”

He gets up and puts his book under his arm, slowly walking to the door. Before the door shuts I hear a quiet “I’m sorry” and footsteps walking away. I press the palms of my hands to my eyes and take a deep breath, trying to stabilize myself. _I’ll be just fine. I’ll forget about these feelings soon enough and we’ll be able to be friends again._ I rest my forehead on my knees and squeeze with all my might. The first step is to ice my aching eyes; the second is to stop myself from crumbling.


	7. Heaven

“Come on Shuu, it’ll be good for you!” Eiji pouts and tugs at my shirt.

I sigh as I stand up from my bed, “Fine. You’re probably right.”

He beams and hugs me tightly, “Great! You’ll have so much fun that you’ll forget all about that dummy Kunimitsu.”

“I doubt that,” I scoff.

Eiji shoves me towards my closet, “Oh whatever, grumpy-pants. Just get dressed and come down; I’ll be waiting with Ichi in his car.”

He practically runs out the door, making me chuckle to myself. Unlike mine, Eiji’s love life is vibrant and rose colored. He and Shuuichirou, or Ichirou for short, started going out about two weeks ago, a few days after the ABC party. I am extremely happy for him and his bubbly attitude has cheered me up countless times in the last few days. It’s been unbearably difficult to be distant from Kunimitsu. Even if I avoid talking to him or looking at him, he constantly haunts my mind. I spend every waking moment and every dirty dream thinking about him. It’s driving me insane and my façade is suffering from all of the radioactive feelings swimming in me. I am sick of people asking me if I am okay or telling me that something seems off recently. I know. I freaking know that better than anyone. But I am trying my best here, it’ll just take longer than I expected. And Kunimitsu isn’t making things any easier. He always has this strange, pained expression on his face whenever our eyes happen to meet. It makes me wonder what could possibly puncture his perfect façade and gives me hope that maybe my absence is affecting him. But I often kill those feelings at the root, reminding myself that holding on to pipe dreams will only hurt me later on.

I throw on a black V-neck tee and some denim jeans, I want to look nice but am too unmotivated to actually put in the effort. I grab my jacket and cellphone, stuffing my keys and wallet in my pockets. After leaving the dorm, I look for Eiji and a guy with a haircut that reminds me of a bowling ball. I spot them in a silver Volvo parked across the street and walk towards them. “I like the car and the new hairstyle, Ichirou” I comment as I slide into the back seat. Ichirou is now sporting short, wavy hair that he has stylishly combed back. It is a huge step up from his last hairstyle.

He looks back at me and grins, “Why, thank you. Are you ready to have a blast tonight?”

I shrug and put on my seat belt, “I guess. In what dark corner of Massachusetts is this gay club, anyway?”

“It’s actually in a cute little corner of Bennington, Vermont. Ichi and I went there last weekend so we can promise you it’s really fun. Their DJ is great and since its 17 and up, just as long as we aren’t obnoxiously trying to get alcohol, everything is chill.”

“That sounds great, I’m really in the mood for dancing.”

Ichirou pulls away from the curb and turns into route 2, “Good. This place is great for that. It’s only twenty minutes away so it won’t take long to get there. Also, if you do want to drink, I have a fake I can use.”

I laugh, “No, no, it’s okay. I’ve decided to stay away from alcohol for a while.”

Eiji nods, “Considering the mess that happened in the ABC party, I think that is a good idea.”

“Yeah…” I mumble, leaning on the door to watch scenery speed by.

* * *

Club Manhandler is quite cozy and low key, despite its ridiculous name. It is a decent size and though it isn’t completely packed, there is a good amount of people drinking at the bar and dancing on the clear glass dance floor. We find a table away from the blaring disco lights to put our stuff down and order a few sodas. The two lovebirds down their drinks and excuse themselves, advising me to find myself a hunk to dance with. I laugh as I shoo them away and continue to sip on my ginger ale, absentmindedly playing with the straw wrapper.

“Is this seat taken, beautiful?”

I glance up to see startling green eyes, “No, it isn’t.” The guy has ear-length, blonde, wavy hair and a killer body. I am very aware that I am ogling.

“So you like what you see?” he asks as he sits next to me.

I smirk  “I do. But that’s not enough to be in my good graces.”

He chuckles, his laugh deep and very damn attractive, “I’m happy. It’d be too easy then. What’s your name?”

“Shuusuke. Yours?”

“Will. Are you from around here?”

I play with my straw, “No, I’m from New York City but I go to Windfield College.”

“Wow, a college kid. You could pass for older.” He smiles, his cheeks a bit red, “I’m not going to ask what grade you are in because even if you are a senior, I’m a bit too old for you.”

He looks around twenty eight, but I don't mind since I’ve always liked older partners. I give him a bright smile, “Then I wont ask for your age. A little mystery always spices things up.”

We talk for a while, jumping between personal topics and hobbies. After I finish my soda Will offers to get me a drink and I decline at first, but he urges me to at least get some Moscato. I give in; one cup of Moscato is not going to do any harm. He comes back with my drink and a beer of his own.

“Sorry for the wait.”

He hands me the glass and I take a sip, “Mmm. They serve pretty good Moscato here.”

“Yeah. I really like this place. I often come here when I need to relax.”

“Or when you need some release?” I say, arching my eyebrow knowingly.

Will runs a hand through his hair, “Well, that too. It’s not like I’m expecting anything, though.”

I finish my Moscato, even when drunk quickly this amount of alcohol won’t get me anywhere near buzzed, “I like to dance. So why don’t you invite me to dance and we’ll leave the other details for later.”

He chugs his beer and takes my hand, “Lets dance then!”

We walk to the dance floor just as they start to play an R&B song I know from middle school. Will isn’t familiar with the song so I just guide his hand to my waist, and we slowly grind against each other. He holds me really close, his lips near my neck and hands sliding up and down my leg. We stay like this for a few songs, the sexual tension almost palpable. But then the DJ throws a curveball and plays a slow dance, causing us to burst into laughter and face each other like award teenagers in prom. I wrap my arms around his neck and rest my chin on his shoulder, searching the room for Eiji and Ichirou. I spot them in a dark corner practically eating each other’s faces off. _Typical_. I realize I forgot to tell Will about them and step back to do so, but just as I leave his grasp I am hit with an extreme dizzy spell. It is like nothing I’ve every experienced before. I rub my temples, my knees on the verge of giving out. _I didn’t drink enough alcohol to be this intoxicated. This makes no sense._

“Are you okay Shuusuke?” Will snakes his arm around my waist and a disgusting, uneasily feeling crawls up my skin. “Are you sick? Come, I’ll take you to the nearby hospital if you want.”

I try to push him away but my body feels numb, “No. Stop.” My voice is barely a whisper at this point. My mind goes on overdrive as I lose all control over my body and Will drags me away from the dance floor. _He drugged me. I am such a freaking idiot. He’ll rape and kill me._ But then it hits me, a sudden, excruciating pain that draws out an inhuman sound from me. I claw at my chest; it feels like someone is piling weights on top of it. Will freezes; by the look in his eyes he was not expecting this kind of reaction. He realizes that my body is having a bad reaction to the drug. I wheeze and gasp for air, desperate to fill my lungs. _This hurts so freaking much. Please, someone help me._ I vaguely feel Will place me on the floor and scream something. Everything starts getting hazy just as people crowd around me. I catch glimpses of Eiji’s red hair floating over me and red and blue lights blinking rapidly. The memory roll ends at a bright, white light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone, thank you so much for reading this far. You don’t know how much that means to me! I promise things just get better and sweeter from now on (for the most part). Please leave comments and love. It really motivates me to keep going and put these chapters out as quickly as I can.


	8. Innocence

I wake up to warm fingers slowly running through my hair. My eyes flutter open, blinking to get used to the intense hospital lights. _This is a hospital, right?_ It doesn’t take me by surprise that I seem to be in the hospital but I don’t quite remember why I ended up here. As I search my memory for answers, my eyes flicker to the IV drip to my left and the mask over my mouth. Considering the condition I am in right now, something pretty serious must have happened. I turn my head to the right, towards the owner of the warm fingers, and am washed by a wave of déjà vu. There, sitting close to my bed as he rakes his fingers through my hair, is an exhausted Kunimitsu. I take off the mask and turn my head towards him; my lips automatically shaping into a loving smile “…Kunimitsu”. My voice comes out in scratchy, husky tones.

His expression turns soft, as if hearing me say his name is all he needs in life, “Shuusuke, you’re finally awake.”

I’m a bit taken aback by how tender his voice sounds, “W-What happened? I barely remember anything.”

His fingers slip out of my hair and ball into a fist by my pillow, “What do you remember from yesterday?”

I bite my lip, “I remember Eiji, Ichirou, and I went to Club Manhandler. I talked and danced with a guy named Will. Then all of a sudden I felt really dizzy, even though I only had drunk one cup of Moscato. I was terrified and I realized that he probably drugged me. That’s about it.”

“That pretty much summarizes everything,” he explains with a strained expression. He pauses for a few seconds, his angry brown eyes piercing my blue ones. “Shuusuke, he roofied your drink and your body had a horrible reaction to the drug laced alcohol. You were suffering from pretty extreme respiratory depression so the doctors had to put you in that pressure ventilation mask to help you breathe.”

I bundle some of the white sheets in my hand, “Oh.” I really don't even know how to react to this information. It all seems so far away from me yet here I am, on a hospital bed. “I was stupid, I’m so-

“Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault some idiot drugged you.” I’ve never seen Kunimitsu so on edge and strangely, it makes me happy he is being this defensive over me.

“Thank you”, I mumble. I am grateful that things didn’t turn out worse than this and I have people by my side who care for me. I think I was scared that I would be blamed for all of this. Granted, I should have known better than to accept a drink from a stranger. But that is no excuse to blame me for someone’s disgusting, immoral actions. “How did you find out I was in the hospital?” I ask, my voice just above a whisper.

He sighs, “Eiji and Ichirou frantically called me so I borrowed a car.”

“Where are they now?”

“They are getting me and themselves some coffee. We haven’t slept much since yesterday.”

I place a hand on top of Kunimitsu’s fist, “It’s obvious; you look really tired. But, I was really happy to wake up and see you by my side.” I convince myself that since Kunimitsu already knows about my feelings and I’m currently hospitalized, it should be okay for me to at least do this much.

Kunimitsu’s fist loosens and his fingers wrap around my hand, “I was really worried. I-

“You like your coffee black, right Kunimitsu?” Eiji interrupts, too preoccupied balancing the drinks in his hands to realize right away that I am awake. But as soon as he gets close enough his head snaps up and he quickly places the drinks on the table nearby, running over to hug me. “Shuu! Oh my god, you’re awake!” Kunimitsu lets go of my hand and steps away from the bed to avoid getting stuck in the middle.

I sit up and weakly return the hug, “Eiji, don’t squeeze me too hard.”

Ichirou pulls Eiji away, offering me a gentle smile, “Good to see you awake, Shuusuke.”

Eiji rubs his tear-brimmed eyes, “We were so worried! I’m sorry we didn’t keep you company yesterday. We shouldn’t have left you sitting alone.”

I pinch his cheeks, “Hey, stop being a crybaby. I’m fine aren’t I? And it isn’t anyone’s fault aside from the creep who drugged me.”

Ichirou gives my shoulder a slight squeeze, “Do you remember what he looks like? I think you should report this incident and give the cops a description of his face. Even if he doesn’t live in this town, this could prevent him from drugging someone in another town.”

I nod, “That’s true. I’ll go report it as soon as I leave the hospital.”

“I’ll take you,” Kunimitsu states from the foot of my bed. “The doctors said they only have a few tests to run after you wake up, so I’ll wait until you are done.”

“But you should head back with Eiji and Ichirou to get some rest” I protest.

He crosses his arms, “Regardless of what you say, I’m staying.”

 _So Kunimitsu also has a stubborn side._ I turn to Eiji and Ichirou, “Well, there you have it. Kunimitsu is going to take care of me so can you guys please go back and rest? It’ll put me more at ease.”

“Okay. We’ll head back.” Ichirou answers, picking up two of the coffees they bought.

Eiji gives me a kiss on the forehead, “Call me if anything, okay?”

“I will”, I assure him just as he leaves the room.

I lean back against the backboard with an exaggerated sigh; all these interactions are finally taking their toll on me. Kunimitsu sits by my side again, his expression rigid and pensive. My gaze falls to his hands that are restlessly tapping his thighs. _Is he nervous?_ I mentally kick myself, why the heck would he be nervous. I let my gaze float up to his face and find him intently staring at me.

“I need to talk to you.” I am a bit intimidated by how serious he sounds but I don’t break eye contact with him; now is not the time to be running away.

“Okay. I’m here, so shoot.”

“I’m still wrapping my head around all this so please bear with me. As I said before, I really care for you Shuusuke.”

Even though I don’t want to talk about this, even if he is scratching at open wounds, I don't stop him. “Yes, as a friend, right?”

“That’s the problem…I don’t think that’s quite right.” He pushes his silver glasses up; “I am more over-protective and involved when it comes to you than I have ever been with any of my friends in the past.”

There is a lump in my throat that I can’t swallow, “And?”

“Well, I don't want to dismiss these feelings. I am not sure if I just see you in a more familial way, or if my feelings are growing into something that will resemble what you feel for me. But I want to at least give it a try.”

My cheeks turn rosy as my heart pumps my body with hope, “Are you sure about this, Kunimitsu?”

He gives me one of his flawless, microscopic smiles and takes my hand, “I’m sorry that I’m being so indecisive and that I can’t promise you anything but my upmost effort.”

I interlace my fingers with his, my facial muscles aching from my wide smile, “This is perfect. I’m so incredibly happy.”

He clears his throat, “ To be honest, I have very little experience with dating so I’ll be in your care.”

I let out an airy laugh, wiping my eyes to stop tears that are threatening to spill, “I’ll make sure to lead you properly, then.”

He ruffles my hair, his eyes shining brightly, “I’ve missed hearing you laugh. Your face is much more beautiful when it’s graced by that smile of yours.”

I cover my face with my free hand, positive that I look like I’ve been doused in red paint, “By the way you speak, I’d think you were swooning women from the womb.”

“I am just being honest”, he remarks.

“Uh-huh” I say as a yawn escapes my lips. “I’m sleepy.”

“You should rest a bit before the doctors come by again.”

I lay down on my side, facing him “I will. But can you do me a favor?”

“Sure. What is it?”

I rub the back of his hand with my thumb, “Can I hold your hand until I fall asleep?”

He brings his chair closer, “Of course. I don’t mind.”

“Also…”

“Yes?”

“Can you play with my hair like you were doing before? That felt nice.”

He shyly cards the fingers of his free hand through my hair, “I’ll take note that Prince Shuusuke likes to be pampered.”

“Mm” I grin and close my eyes, letting the warmth lull me to sleep.

 


	9. Drive

Kunimitsu’s hands have a soft, yet sturdy hold on my hip, supporting me when I walk to the police station. I drape an arm around his neck as his arm wraps around my frame, holding me up. I don’t feel pathetic. I no longer feel anxious. He exudes such a powerful aura of safety and reliability, I am afraid of ever leaving his embrace. But I have to. And when I do, I stumble a bit, holding on to the front counter at the police station for balance. I shrink into myself, all of a sudden hyper aware of the daunting white walls, the thick glass between the receptionist and I, and the slight echo to my voice. Who knew the justice system would feel less dependable than Kunimitsu’s arms. He senses my hesitation and to ease my nerves, he gives my shoulder a gentle squeeze. He wants me to know that I’m not alone, that he’s right besides me. And I can’t imagine something that can give me more courage than that simple gesture.

“I’d like to report involuntary drugging.” My voice is still husky, and raw; I can barely recognize it.

The whole process goes by relatively quickly. Kunimitsu and I meet with one of the policemen in a small room with black chairs and a wooden table. I recount everything I can remember, occasionally catching Kunimitsu visibly tense up beside me. I swiftly take one of his balled up hands in my own, hoping he’ll participate in this exchange of strength. Once again, like in the hospital room, his hand melts like putty into mine. I am not sure if I’m just exaggerating this, but I’ve never met a person whose hand fit so comfortably in mine. I’ve held a lot of hands for many different reasons, but I’ve never felt calm wash over me like it does when I hold Kunimitsu’s hand. And with the newfound tranquility and courage, I finish recounting everything without hyperventilating, or delving into an abyss of dark thoughts.

I take a big breath, exhaling loudly in order to get rid of the knot in my stomach. I look at the policeman, a lean, older guy with greying sideburns, “Can I describe Will to a sketch artist? I would really like to get his picture out so that he can’t try to drug someone else in another town.”

He sighs and scratches his cheek, “Well, that is a bit difficult. Unlike the TV shows, every police station doesn’t have a resident sketch artist. I know one that lives three hours away so I can call her, but you’d have to return another day to meet her.”

“I can do a sketch myself” I offer, “I can sketch pretty well since I am planning to major in art, and I can better translate my mental picture of Will onto the paper if it is me doing the drawing.”

“Hmm” he plays with his beard, contemplating if it is a good idea to have some random, uncertified kid do this sketch. “Sure. Lets give this a try.” He gets up and walks to one of the cabinets, getting out white paper and different sketching pencils. “Here.”

I unwillingly let go of Kunimitsu’s hand and take the materials, closing my eyes in order to get a clear picture of what Will looks like. It takes a few minutes of me sorting through fear and irrelevant memories, but I find the perfect visualization. The moment I first looked up at him and was startled by his bright green eyes. This is his perfect mug shot. I open my eyes again and start to sketch, focusing only on the picture in my head and nothing else. I can confidently say that although photography is my forte, I am really good at sketching and painting. Of course, aside from photography, I’ve always found people much better than me in the other art forms. But the one common thing shared by all those people is how envious they are of my concentration. It even surprises me, how intensely focused I can be on one thing. I am not sure if it’s all those yoga meditation classes I have taken, or if I was just born with an obsessive personality (probably the latter), but I can spend hours working on a piece without eating or being even slightly sidetracked. And I have; my record is currently 13 hours.

So needless to say, this concentration helps me finish pieces quickly. I finish a satisfactory sketch in around 15 minutes and pass it to the policeman, relishing his expression.

“Wow. This is really good, kid.” I catch Kunimitsu nodding in agreement out of the corner of my eye.

I won’t even try to lie, I love when my art gets complimented, “Thank you.”

He slides the sketch and the report into a grey file, “Well, I’ll handle this. I’m happy nothing else happened, son.” He walks us to the door, “ Thank you for the sketch and take care.”

He extends his hand and I shake it, “Thank you very much. Have a good afternoon.”

 

Kunimitsu wraps his arm around me again, letting me lean on him as we walk to where he parked the car. He first opens the passenger door and helps me slide in, even going as far as to buckle me. “Geez mom, I have hands you know,” I sarcastically comment even though these thoughtful actions make me like him more and more. He ruffles my hair; something that is now becoming a usual response to my sarcasm, closes my door, and heads over to the other side of the car. He buckles himself in and does those things that all good drivers should do before they drive off. And when I say all the things, I mean absolutely every single one of them, as if he has the manual recorded in his mind. Well, since I am not the greatest driver yet, I can’t be sure he does absolutely everything, but my gut tells me he does. And like every quirk I’ve noticed so far, this one makes me find him even more endearing. _He’s so damn proper. What an honor student._ I chuckle to myself, my eyes noting every movement of his body.

“What’s so funny?” He asks as he pulls away from the curve, eyes flickering over to my side.

I shake my head and relax into the seat, “No, nothing much. I was just wondering if you’re often told that you’re the kind of guy a girl brings back to meet their mother.”

“Yes, I’ve gotten that quite a few times.”

“I can see why.”

“Is it a bad thing? I know it’s because I am always polite and by the book.”

I smile and loll my head to his side, “No. I really like that about you.”

“Is that so.”

“Yup.”

He clears his throat and places his arm across the armrest, palms up and fingers wiggling in the air. I bite my lip to hold back a laugh, this is extremely dorky yet so unbelievably adorable. But this is important. He took initiative. He is moving, baby step by baby step, closer to where I am. I slide my hand into his, interlacing our fingers and giving his hand a light squeeze. We sit in silence as our thumbs play a slow game of thumb war, taking turns to learn the exact shape of the other. In these few moments I learn that Kunimitsu likes to keep his nails really short and that his thumb is curvier than mine.

“I find it weird how nice it feels to hold your hand.”

I wonder if he can tell how fast my heart is beating just from holding my hand. This is a strange state; I am calm and at peace, yet ridiculously excited. “I feel the same”, I chime, surprised at how eager my voice sounds. “It feels so natural,” I add softly, almost whispering.

“Aren’t you used to this feeling already?”

I move stray hairs away from my face, “No, I’m not. I’ve only dated girls before. Well, I’ve had a few...” I cough, “One night stands with men so I know I’m bisexual, but this is the first time I have romantic feelings for guy.”

He sighs, probably feeling overwhelmed by the otherworldly information. “Now that I know I’m a first for something, I feel a little less awkward I guess. What is the next step in this relationship?”

I smirk, “You are so meticulous, Kunimitsu. Does everything have to be done in steps and lists?”

“No, it doesn’t. But since I usually do everything in that way, it makes me feel a bit more comfortable.”

“You are going to have to step out of your comfort zone, buddy.”

“I know. I’m trying, Shuusuke.”

“I can see you are” I comment, my voice low and serious “And that is enough for me.” I raise our intertwined hands to my lips, giving the back of his hand a small kiss, “I don't want you to push yourself or do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. I don't want pity. I just want you to go at your own pace and follow what you want to do. Don’t think about what I want. Anything you give me will make me happy.” It’s so strange to be this honest with him after all these weeks of holding everything in. After emptying myself to him, displaying everything that drags me down, I feel incredibly light.

He nods, “Okay. I understand.”

We are pleasantly silent for the rest of the drive back, only exchanging a few glances and light hand squeezes. Kunimitsu parks the car behind our dorm and helps me to my room, which is fortunately on the 1st floor (not the ground floor, since our dormitory does that weird thing where you need to climb a flight of stairs to get to the 1st floor, making it actually the 2nd floor). I successfully open my door without help, unlike last time a situation similar to this occurred, and lean on the doorframe to face Kunimitsu.

“Okay. I’m fine now. So I’ll stop stealing your time and relieve you of your services.”

“Your sense of humor never dwindles, does it?”

There it is, Kunimitsu humor, you have to love it. I shrug, “It’s what keeps me moving. We all have our own mechanism.” I look up to meet his eyes, “You’ve been stellar today. Seriously, thank you.”

He holds my eyes with his, pondering and glossy, “You’re always thanking me for absolutely everything. As if you’re grateful that I even spend time with you. I have my own reasons for doing what I do, you know. It’s not like I’m completely selfless.”

I want to look away; his honesty is making my skin burn up, “Okay.”

He cups my cheek, timidly trailing his thumb up and down, “ I want to try something. May I?”

His question sends a shiver up my spine and I quietly respond, “Yeah.”

Kunimitsu leans in at a painstakingly slow pace, watching my reaction to every millimeter he takes. My mind completely blanks and I force myself to breathe, this would be the worst time to have a panic attack. As he gets closer my eyes dance around his face, mostly out of nervousness, but also because I want to memorize every little detail. I want to remember the tiny specks of gold in his eyes and even the tiny scratches on the frame of his glasses. I close my eyes and shiver slightly when his hand slides down to my neck, his breath ghosting over my lips. A mix of excitement and fear of him changing his mind bubbles inside me. So the moment his lips gently land on mine, I am filled with overwhelming relief. He kisses me cautiously and tenderly, as if I am something fragile. As if he is afraid of hurting me. The kiss is innocent and slow, almost feathery to the touch. But it lasts longer than I expected. Our lips get to know each other until our breathing is a bit labored, until my desire almost seeps through and stains the moment. And precisely because I don’t want to do that, I am the first to pull away with a content sigh. I slowly open my eyes and give him a bright smile, “That was nice.”

“Yeah.” He runs his hand through his hair, dropping the hand he has on my neck to his side. “I think this is going to be easier than I previously thought” he states, his voice full of disbelief.

I wink at him, “Don't count your chickens before they hatch.”

He flashes me one of those microscopic smiles that makes by breath catch, “Yeah, I’ll keep that in mind. Okay. I think I’ve had enough stimulation for the day. I’ll let you sleep now.”

I nod, my fingers tracing the taste of his lips on my own, “Sweet dreams, Kunimitsu.”

“Good night, Shuusuke.”

I watch him turn the corner to head to his suite and hear the connecting door closing behind him. I close my own door, jump in my bed, and proceed to squeal like a 14-year-old girl into my pillow.


	10. Breathe Again

In the last few weeks, Kunimitsu and I became best friends.

We spent hours talking about absolutely everything we could cover. Kunimitsu spoke lovingly about his grandfather and parents. His eyes shined brightly, that edge they usually have to them completely dissolved by the warm memories he recounted of his childhood. I told him about my dear Yuuta and the rest of my energetic family, giving funny and awkward anecdotes that best describes each one of them. We even exchanged answers to those overused questions. His favorites colors are green and blue, mine is beige. He commented on how unique my choice of favorite color is. I told him I barely remember when it had become my favorite color, it just is. I jokingly remark that his favorite colors are anticlimactic. I thought his favorite color would be something cold, like metallic grey. He ruffled my hair without replying.

Kunimitsu often nagged me about my lack of time management and we spent weekend nights in his room, listening to classical music and doing homework. I rolled around on his floor with my textbook for jazz class, occasionally dropping it on my face when I started to fall asleep. I got up and put on some Celtic rock, receiving rude comments from Kunimitsu about how horrid and distracting the music was. But he didn’t change it because he knew it would make me mad and it was only fair we listen to my kind of music for a while.

I occasionally whined about him needing to live a little and I dragged him to my room on random weekday nights for a few hours of call of duty or card games. He refused at first, listing all the homework and tasks he had to get done. But he eventually gave up with a sigh once he realized that I was not going to back down. And every time we played he lost terribly. It’s like he never had a childhood. I quickly learned that Kunimitsu is not a sore loser but he does sulk when I laugh at him too much.

Whenever we ordered out, we ate on my floor since the dork hates it when his room smells like food. We usually ordered pizza. And when we did, we always got half plain and the other half loaded with peppers and pepperoni.

“Do you want a slice of mine?”

“No.”

I leer at him, “Eh, why not? I promise it’s perfectly safe.”

“Yeah, sure. That’s what you said when you gave me that wasabi roll. I swore never to trust your taste in food ever again.”

I chuckle, “Oh yeah. It made you tear up, didn’t it? You looked so adorable.”

He nibbles on his last slice, “You’re ridiculous.”

“Not as ridiculous as soy sauce on pizza. That’s so strange.”

“Shuusuke, you have no room to talk.”

I lean closer to him, “Can I get a bite?

Kunimitsu sighs and holds the pizza closer to me, “Here. You’re such a brat.”

I take a bite and close my eyes in order to focus on the taste, “Heh, it doesn’t taste bad at all. I guess since both the pizza and the soy sauce are salty, they compliment each other.”

He nods, “See. My tastes are quite reasonable.”

“I think it’s completely reasonable to want to see your stoic boyfriend tear up a bit.”

He rolls his eyes, “My revenge will come sooner or later. Just you wait.”

“Kunimitsu, my tolerance for strange food is quite high. I’m not too worried.”

“Then it won’t have to do with food. There are other ways to get my revenge.”

I smirk, “I welcome anything that involves a bed and handcuffs.”

It surprises me how comfortable I ‘ve gotten with this kind of banter. In the beginning I was worried about crossing the line, wondering when my humor would be a bit too much for Kunimitsu. But he never got angry. He always played along, adding witty comebacks that made me grateful to be by his side. He makes even my usually hidden, sarcastic side feel welcome.

He stands up and then holds out his hand, “It is precisely because I know you’d enjoy it that I won’t do it.”

I let him help me up, sticking my tongue out, “Stingy.”

He lets out a tiny chuckle, “How old are you, five?”

I swear, every time he does that my heart stops. It’s like I haven’t progressed from the first time I heard it. The first time he laughed I thought I’d dislocated my jaw from shock. Sure, it was at my clumsy expense but if I had known falling on my ass in the snow was all I had to do to get him to laugh, I would have done it before. I just stared at him, ignoring my possibly bruised butt, completely blown away by the deep, vibrant sound. It was quiet and short, and he instinctively covered his mouth when I pointed at him. I stood up and brushed myself off but he playfully shoved me into the snow again when I started to ramble about how the world was probably going to end that second.

Kunimitsu closes the pizza box and folds it, shoving it into my trashcan. “What do you want to do? And please don’t say you want to play more games. I think we’ve played enough for today.”

I stretch, reaching my arms far above my head, “I agree. No more games.”

“So?”

“Hmm. There is nothing much going on this weekend and we did a lot of our homework yesterday. How about we just chill? Does Netflix sound okay?”

“As long as we don’t watch yet another horror film. You’ve forced me to watch way too many of those already.”

I smile, “Fine. Fine. You get to pick today. But if it’s some boring documentary, I assure you I will fall asleep.”

He grabs my laptop and pulls me towards the bed, “It wont be a documentary but it will definitely be more thought provoking than those gory films you love.”

“More thought provoking than Pontypool?”

“Well, that one is the exception. Pontypool was actually quite good.”

I let out an exaggerated gasp, “Are you dissing my taste in films? First you insult my taste in food and now this? What are you going to insult next?”

He lightly pushes me on the bed, sitting next to me, “Your acting. What a shame, I thought that pretty face would make it far in the entertainment industry. Seems like it’s impossible.”

I elbow him in the side and give him a sly smile, “How rude. Well, it’s okay. I don't need any acting skills for the area of entertainment I’m planning on working in.”

He shakes he head and turns on my laptop, easily logging in since I haven’t bothered to set up a password. “I’ll make sure to buy all your second-rate porn DVDs”, he comments in a deadpan voice.

I throw myself back as I laugh, “I’ll dedicate them all to you”, scooting closer to the wall to make space for Kunimitsu.

He lies down on his stomach, propping himself up on his elbows and placing the laptop in font of him. “Have you ever seen Gattaca?”

I roll over onto my stomach, snuggling closer to him, “No I haven’t, but I’ve heard of it.”

“Good. I think you’ll like it.” He clicks on the movie and brings the pillow closer to us, setting the laptop where the pillow was before.

Kunimitsu puts his chin on the pillow, scooping his arms under it. I do the same but I slightly lean my head on his shoulder, taking in his mint-scented warmth. I watch the movie in silence for a few minutes, appreciating its dated quality and genre. “Somehow, I’m not surprised you picked a sci-fi movie. Are you a sci-fi fan?”

Kunimitsu is actually pretty lenient when it comes to talking during movies. I had expected him to hate my commentary or questions, but he doesn’t seem to mind it at all as long as it’s reasonable. “Not particularly, but I find that it’s one of the most thought provoking genres.”

“That’s true.” I usually don't enjoy sci-fi, but I find this movie quite appealing. The setting is a distant future where racism happens based on whether or not your genes were manipulated before birth. “Huh. The way they are approaching discrimination is quite interesting.”

“Yes, it was quite innovative for its time. It has its flaws, but it is a pretty well executed movie overall.”

“Hmm”, I find Kunimitsu’s hand under the pillow and slip mine into it.

* * *

 

We are now used to all this contact. In the last few weeks, frequent hand holding sessions developed into long, warm hugs. The kind that last just long enough for me to want to sleep standing up, surrounded by Kunimitsu’s embrace. We continued playing thumb wars and footsies, adding a refreshing middle school twist to our romance. We stared into each other’s eyes for long periods of time without feeling awkward. He told me I’m beautiful in a low whisper to my ear and I let him see the blush that splashed my cheeks. When we felt silly we tickled each other. I discovered that Kunimitsu is quite ticklish, more than I expected from someone who acts so serious, and he especially raises the white flag when I attack right above his hips. Well, that is only if I get him before he tries to tickle my neck, making me curdle into a ball and ask for mercy. And we lay down side by side, most likely on his bed since we spent most of our time there, trying to get our breath back and grinning at each other. But when we wanted to be serious, we silently bundled ourselves in his sheets and tried to memorize the other’s body. Sometimes we lay on our sides, facing each other, and just gently ran our hands over the other’s arm, shoulder, neck, or back. I liked to trace the shape of Kunimitsu’s collarbone and follow it’s slender form across his body to the closest shoulder blade. He liked to walk his fingers from the back of my neck to the small of my back, feathering them on my skin on his way up again. We did this for hours. Other times he lay on his back and I cradled besides him, my head on his chest, tracing the veins up and down his arm. Occasionally we fell asleep like this. And then we woke up with stiff necks and sore arms, but that didn’t stop us from doing it again.

* * *

 

I absentmindedly stroke the back of Kunimitsu’s hand as the movie progresses. I agree with him, it’s quite well done, but I could already see where it was heading. I am certain this guy is going to make his dream happen one way or another.

“Shuusuke…that’s distracting.”

Kunimitsu’s voice jolts me back into reality and I pull my hand away from his, “Oh. I’m sorry.”

“No” he whispers, his voice soft. “I don’t mean it in a bad way.” He grabs my hand again, “I was just wondering if you were getting bored of the movie.”

I shake my head, “A little, but not really. I was stroking your hand without really thinking about it.”

“Oh.” He turns his attention to the movie again, “I guess I misunderstood.”

I lean on him a bit more, “What do you mean by that?”

He pauses the movie and turns to his side to meet my eyes, “I thought you were doing it on purpose in order to make me more aware of you. Not that it’d be necessary, I’m already ridiculously conscious of your presence.”

I smile, propping myself up on my forearm, “Really?”

“Is it surprising? We’ve been dating for quite some time. I wouldn’t have kept stringing you along if these kinds of feelings weren’t growing inside of me.”

I look down at the pillow, all of a sudden feeling too shy to keep eye contact. “…Are you going to act on those feelings?”

“Are you?”

I stare at him, “Huh?”

He reaches up to run his thumb down the side of my jaw, “You’ve never initiated a kiss and you always are the first to pull away. Are you scared that I might find something you do disgusting?”

I bite my lip, “I know it’s stupid but this whole thing is new for you and I didn't want to push my luck.”

He smiles, cosmic magic that is now far from being microscopic. “It isn’t stupid. But you need to realize that it’s no longer one-sided. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t dislike anything you’d want to do with me.”

I laugh, my cheeks turning warm, “Thank you.”

He props himself up and kisses my forehead, “No, thank _you_. You’re always so considerate of me. I wish you’d be more selfish.”

“You may be asking for more than you can bargain.”

“I’ll take the risk. It’s worth it.”

 I move closer to him as I let the bottled up desire slowly seep into the moment. I can feel my lips quiver from anticipation, “Then, can I kiss you?”

He closes his eyes and lets his hand slide down to my neck, “Yes.”

I close the distance between us, as he has done so many times before, but the moment our lips touch I know something is different. The buzzing feeling of impatience overwhelms me. I had planned on keeping the kiss light and slow, but my needy tongue has a mind of its own. I crave more. My tongue slips into his mouth, eager to explore every millimeter of its warmth. Kunimitsu welcomes me, moving his hand to the back of my head as he deepens the kiss. Our tongues swirl around each other as tiny gasps and moans fill the air. We separate after our breathing becomes quite labored, Kunimitsu’s lust-glazed eyes meeting mine. Those dark brown orbs are quite a sight to see. But before I can admire them for too long, Kunimitsu responds with his own impatience. He smashes our lips together, making my body shudder. He is more passionate than I could ever imagine. I grab handfuls of Kunimitsu’s hair as we clumsily kiss. I shift our positions by pushing him down on the bed and straddling him. The new position draws a husky grunt from Kunimitsu and forces me to bite back a moan. Obviously, we are both very hard and this position brings much needed stimulation.

I break the kiss to finally take his glasses off, now fogged up from the heat. I slowly grind against him, “Can I?” My voice is whiny and it practically sounds like I’m begging, but I don't really give a shit at this point. I just want more.

He nods and places his hands on my hips, “Of course.”

I place my hands at either side of Kunimitsu’s head and close my eyes to avoid meeting his piercing gaze. He eyes sear my skin, making me more sensitive to the friction. I can’t remember ever feeling this riled up. The closest memory I have to compare is the time I had to be taken to the hospital because of a dangerously high fever. But this time around, the heat isn’t only burning at the surface of my skin; it reaches deep inside me. Even my blood is boiling, causing eclectic shocks to travel up and down my spine. I arch my back so our hips are better aligned and place more weight on my knees in order not to hurt him. I start to slowly rock back and forth, looking down to watch Kunimitsu’s face contort with pleasure. His eyebrows furrow and occasional grunts leave his parted lips. His expression fills me with even more fire and a strange desire to make a bigger mess of him comes over me. How strange this feeling is; to think that liking someone is proportional to wanting to seem him writhing under you. I know that the root of these feelings have something to do with my sadistic streak but seeing this side of Kunimitsu makes me so stupidly happy.

His fingers dig into my hips and he thrusts his hips up to meet mine. I let out a pathetic gasp, my legs quivering lewdly. The bed starts to creak shamefully as we pick up the pace. This whole process is far from graceful, something quite similar to when dogs hump random objects. But it’s okay. We don't need poise or grace, we just want to feel each other. My wrists being to ache and I lower myself to my forearms, engaging in another sloppy kiss with Kunimitsu. I nip at his bottom lip as we separate and rest my damp forehead on his.

 I let out a shaky breath in an attempt to regulate my voice, “K-Kunimitsu, I’m close.”

“So am I”, he replies in a low, thick murmur.

He moves his head to the side and places a quick kiss on my neck. I jolt, which isn’t surprising since my neck is extremely sensitive, and he takes this as a sign to continue. I tilt my head to the side to give him better access and he kisses the area more forcefully. He cycles between sucking on my neck and grazing the skin with his teeth, drawing sultry pants from my mouth. I am beginning to see white.

I fist the sheets under us, “I-I can’t.”

“Shuusuke”, he whispers against my skin and roughly pulls my hips down against him, bringing both of us over the edge.

I can’t remember ever coming this hard. I’ve had my fair share of experience, but never before has a climax left me trembling uncontrollably.  I sit up a bit and lean my head on Kunimitsu’s shoulder, taking deep breathes to try to calm by body. He strokes my back and gives me an endearing kiss on the cheek, “Are you okay?”

I nod, sighing blissfully, “Yeah but this has never happened before. It’s so intense.”

He cards his fingers through my hair, “That’s good. I’ll add this to my list of rare firsts I have taken from you.”

I sit completely up, “…was it good?”

“Yes. I enjoyed myself more than I could have imagined.”

I chuckle, “Well mister, the future is a bright one.”

“I’m looking forward to it. But first-“, he looks down at his pants.

I blush and get off of him, “We're a mess.”

He gets up and walks to the door, “Let’s regroup in ten minutes and finish the movie.”

I am pretty sure I am beaming by this point, “Yes, sir.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Sorry I haven’t written in a little while (even though I was putting them out in rapid fire speed before). I started working and now I have less time. But I hope you enjoyed how long this chapter was. It seems I have forgotten this started as a drabble project. Oh well. Please comment and give love; I read each an every one of them!


	11. Memory

The mind can do scary things.

It can take control of you, making your skin tingle and re-experience warm embraces you haven’t felt in days—distracting you when you are supposed to be enjoying Thanksgiving dinner with your family. 

But I am not thrilled about the persistent thoughts of Kunimitsu clouding my head. I’ve always said that I would never become dependent on my partner, that even if I fell in love it would never be to the point that I can no longer detach myself. And I don't think I am at that point yet, but I sure as hell am getting dangerously close. There are even some moments that I think something, pause, and tell myself how disgustingly sappy I am being. I’ve sunk that far.

“Do you want seconds, Shuusuke?” Yumiko asks as she slides the mash potatoes closer to me.

I shake my head, I had already eaten way beyond my natural capabilities, “No thanks, I’m super full.”

“More for me” Yuuta beams as he grabs the bowl of mash potatoes. The kid eats like a horse, although in a very endearing way. 

“We won’t have to worry about cleaning the dishes, then. Yuuta will just lick them clean.”

Yuuta elbows me in the side, “Hey! I am trying to bulk up.”

I chuckle, “Yeah, of course.”

“I see you’ve cheered up a bit,” My mother comments as she picks up my empty plate. “The last few days you seemed a little down. Boy troubles?”

I came out to my parents a few years ago and it all went surprisingly smooth. The moment the words came out of my mouth Yumiko smiled and pushed an open-palm hand towards Yuuta. It turns out my darling siblings had an ongoing bet on my sexual orientation. I wasn’t sure if that was messed up or humorous, but at the end of the day, it was characteristically them. Even my dad, who most people would assume would be the last person to accept things like this, was sympathetic and understanding. I am extremely blessed to have such a wonderful family. 

I stand up and push in my chair, “Kind of. Nothing serious so you don’t need to worry.” 

My mom ruffles my hair, “Well, we are here if you need to talk.”

I nod, “I’m going upstairs to work on an art piece. Call me down when we have dessert later.”

“Okay.”

That was a bit of an excuse. Sure I want to keep working on my art portfolio, the moment I return to campus it will be time for final assessments and I have a shit ton of work to do, but I also want to check my phone. I had left it in my room during dinner so I could stop checking if I had gotten a new text every five minutes. Before we went on break Kunimitsu had promised me to keep in touch—he has a habit of always leaving his phone off— and although he did a pretty good job in the first few days, he is starting to slack. I keep trying to tell myself that nothing is wrong and that he is just focused on spending time with his family, but some things don’t sit right with me. Not only have the texts become less frequent, but also his replies have become vague and a bit cold. It reminds me of when I first met Kunimitsu. 

And if that isn’t bad enough, I’ve been having this odd, recurring dream. It will always start off with a replay of a memory, like when I heard Kunimitsu laugh for the first time, or the first time we went beyond kissing, but will end with Kunimitsu pushing me away, a disgusted expression on his face. I know that it is just my fears working into my subconscious and dreams. And every night I wake up gasping, I tell myself that I am letting my doubts get the best of me. 

But although the mind is a scary thing, it’s also powerful, and this knot in my stomach makes me feel like my dreams are trying to tell me something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait, as usual. Once school starts I never have time to do anything. For the time being, these chapters are going back to their original drabble length (Well, this whole story was supposed to be made up of drabbles but I often ignored that) until I get back into the swing of things.


	12. Insanity

**To: Kunimitsu**  
Did you get back yet?

 **From: Kunimitsu**  
Yeah, I got back around an hour ago.

 **To: Kunimitsu**  
Can I come by?

 **From: Kunimitsu**  
Sure, but I’m unpacking right now so it’s a bit messy.

I heave a long, relieved sigh and pocket my phone, trying my best to make it to the door without tripping on the scattered contents of my suitcase. Truthfully, I’ve been anxious about seeing Kunimitsu. Though most of the anxiety is fueled by the relentless dreams I had during break, Kunimitsu’s inability to promptly respond to texts did some damage as well. Did something happen? How was your thanksgiving day? Does your family eat pumpkin pie? I have all these stupid questions I’ve wanted to ask but the cold nature of his texts have held me back. This time around I want to be wrong. I want to believe that I’m just being paranoid.

I take a deep breath and knock on his door. While the other doors on his floor are covered with random pictures and whiteboards, the only thing on Kunimitsu’s door is his nameplate. Clean and simple, just like him.

“Come in.”

I open the door, grinning once I had surveyed the room, “Oh, come on. This can barely count as messy. I, on the other hand, can’t see my floor right now.”

“Our definitions of clean and messy are very different, Shuusuke.”

A tiny bolt runs up my spine when I hear him say my name; I had forgotten how nicely it rolls off his tongue. I want to touch him. But instead, I lean on the door with my arms crossed at my chest and force a smile I am positive Kunimitsu can read though. If he were looking at me, that is. Not once since I entered his room has he tried to meet my eyes.

“That's true…how was break?”

He opens a drawer and places a folded shirt inside, “It was fine for the most part. You?”

“Same. The usual.”

Vague, stiff, and distant; everything about this interaction is making it hard to swallow. My fingers claw at my arms as I continue to stare at the head of tousled, light brown hair a few steps away from me. I give up on trying to cut through the mysterious tension. I let the silence sit and brew, even if it heightens my own discomfort, as I throw daggers with my eyes. Just fucking look at me already. Why are you acting like this? Did you cheat on me over break or something? I know that I should just ask him instead of having a pathetic conversation with myself, but I am a bit afraid of his answer. I really hate this odd, restrictive grasp my muddled feelings have on my throat; I finally attained something I desperately wanted and I don’t want to ruin it, so in the process I’m changing myself. Before I met Kunimitsu, it was my rule to always stay blunt and sarcastic. Yet, here I am, silently beating myself up over this idiot.

“You are acting weirdly, Kunimitsu.”

To my surprise, he flinches, and looks up through a newly trimmed fringe, “How so?”

I roll my eyes, letting my nervousness escape in a scoff, “Really? You won’t look at me directly in the eyes, you give me two worded answers, and you haven’t as much as given me a hug even though we haven’t seen each other in a week. Does that sound normal to you?” Shit, that came out sounding a lot more acerbic than I wanted it to.

“Yeah, it’s odd, isn’t it?”

I sigh, “It’s fine. You are probably tired or something. I’ll just see you tomorrow.”

“Wait,” Kunimitsu stands up and grabs my wrist. “I’m sorry. Let’s take a walk and then I’ll explain.”

“It’s like 10 degrees outside, you know.”

He lets go of my wrist, “Yeah. But I want to get some air.”

“Okay.” I rub my arm, “Can you lend me a jacket? I don't feel like going back to my room.”

He sifts through his closet and tosses me a navy parker, “Here you go.”

“Thanks” I say, slightly amused by how big it fits me.

Kunimitsu slips on his black pea coat and opens the room door, “Lets go.”

Once outside the dorm, Kunimitsu briskly walks towards a frosty bench across the green area, as if he had run this scenario in his head a few times already. I just quietly follow him while trying to stuff my hands further and further into the fleece laced pockets of the parker. He sits down with a sigh and pats the place beside him. I stall a bit; rebelliously, but ultimately take the seat, making sure to leave some room between us. It is freezing outside so I would rather be snuggled up next to him, or even better, cuddling under his sheets. But this isn’t the time for that.

“So…?” I urge, fearing that my toes will numb before he says anything.

“Well, I’m not sure where to start, really. So much happened during Thanksgiving break.”

I sigh, the air clouding in front of me, and hold his reddening hand, “Take your time. Just start from the very beginning.”

He uses his thumb to rub the back of my hand and quickly glances over at me, “Thank you.” He then leans against the back of the bench and settles his eyes somewhere far ahead of us, probably on a frosted tree or the occasional car. “My grandfather was hospitalized in the beginning of break. I am sorry I didn’t really return your messages, but I was so busy I couldn’t think of anything else.”

I don't want to feel relieved. It is disgusting that I would feel relief from something so devastating, but I can’t help it. A small part of me has calmed down after hearing Kunimitsu’s reason for being distant. He is going through a hard time so of course he doesn’t have time to respond to stupid text messages. This has nothing to do with him being dissatisfied with me. I just need to support him the best I can while giving him some space. “I’m so sorry; I know that you adore your grandfather. What did the doctors say?”

“He had a stroke. Even after hearing the doctor explain that strokes are often unexpected, it seems like all of this is a lie. Grandfather is one of the healthiest and active men I know. The possibility of this happening to him had never once occurred to me.”

I squeeze his hand, “How is he doing?”

“His condition is very shaky. Although he is awake, he can’t really speak properly or move half his body. The doctors said that it would be best to keep him hospitalized because things could take a turn for the worse at any moment.”

“…Kunimitsu.”

Kunimitsu slides his hand out of mine and roughly rakes it through his hair, letting his head hang low to hide what surely is a distraught expression, “ It hurts to see him like this. I’ve always loved grandfather’s charisma and strength; it eats me inside that these might be his last moments. Yet I can’t even be by his side.”

“Did your parents force you to come to school?”

“Yes. They told me that even if I were beside him nothing would change and that I needed to make him proud by excelling at school. For the first time in my life I stubbornly argued against them, but it was useless.”

I caress his ear, “I’m sorry that this is happening, Kunimitsu. I know I can’t be much help but whenever you want to talk, you have me, okay?”

“That’s reassuring.” Kunimitsu cups my hand against his cheek for a few moments, but then places it on my lap, letting go with a slight pat, “But I don't want to drag you into this.”

“Huh?”

“Shuusuke. When I said I love you, I meant it. I still mean it. But while I was taking care of my grandfather he kept saying ‘I’ll get through this. After all, I need to see my cute grandchildren’. And I just nodded. I promised him that I’d have at least three and one of them would surely be named after him. We talked about my girlfriend, some imaginary girl I made up to appease him. And I did all this while not even sparing a thought that it might hurt you. This is not fair to you, Shuusuke.”

A swallow to make sure my voice doesn’t betray me, “Oh, that’s completely natural, you know. Of course you can’t just tell your family that you are dating a guy. You grandfather’s condition would worsen if he heard something like that.”

Kunimitsu shakes his head, “It’s not only that. I have started to doubt myself. I can’t assure you that I wont do this again; I’ve always been the kind of guy that fulfills his family’s expectations. I am not sure I can break out of the mold I’ve been groomed into. But what I do understand is that you deserve first place, above everything else. But I don’t think I can give you that.”

I laugh nervously, “Kunimitsu, you are being too serious. We said we were just going to give this a try and work on it as we go along, right? It’s not like I am expecting you to marry me, or something. You don't have to feel guilty about such small things.”

He meets my eyes and I finally understand; he is determined to break things off. And even as he is trying to do so, I find myself falling deeper in love with the rawness in his eyes. I look anywhere else; the flickering street lamp, the dirty snow across the quad, anything to distract me from the current reality. I could feel it—even as I try to steel myself for what’s coming, his presence effortlessly dissolves all my barriers.

“I am serious about you. And I know, no matter how much you try to play it off, that you are very serious about me. But I can’t give you the relationship you deserve by being this hesitant.”

“So you are just going to sit here and decide what is good for me?” I mumble, unable to find the strength to do much more.

“Yes. Because I know that if I don’t, you’d let me treat you horribly. And that is the last thing I want for you.”

“You don't have much confidence in yourself, do you?”

“And you don't value yourself enough.”

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, “So are you saying you want to break up?”

He is momentarily silent, his previous determination faltering a bit, and clears his throat. “Yes.”

Those three letters feel like a punch to the stomach, yet, not one single tear lines my eyes. I want to make myself believe that this is exactly what I expected from the beginning. Yes. Yes, some part of me knew this wouldn’t last long. I am pretty cynical, after all. This isn’t surprising and this certainly won’t break me. The past few haven’t. This one wasn’t much different, right? I’ll get over Kunimitsu just like I’ve gotten over my ex’s before. I open my eyes very slowly but avoid looking at Kunimitsu’s face. Instead, I opt for his right knee, the one that is currently being crushed by the force of his tense hand.

“Okay.”

“Shuusuke—“

I shake my head, “Don’t. Don’t apologize. Just focus on your grandfather.”

He lets out a loud sigh, “Yeah.”

“Will you be okay?”

“Without you? No, probably not.”

I bitterly smile to myself, “I see. What an idiot.”

“I am.”

I stand up and take off the parker, throwing it onto his lap, “Here.”

Kunimitsu looks up at me in disbelief, “You don’t need to take it off, just give it to me inside. You’ll get sick like this.”

“I don't need it. Also, I’m not going back to the dorm right now.”

“Where are you going?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

And so I leave him alone on the bench. I do what I know how to do best in these situations: disassociate and run away. It would be a lie to say that it isn’t painfully cold outside, but soon enough, midway through my run to the art building, the chill no longer affects me. I make my way to my studio space in a haze and set a blank canvas onto my easel. I pause in an attempt to collect myself but decide, fuck that, and start painting like a madman.


End file.
